My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize