hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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