the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
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She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
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I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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