Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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