On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
time to smoke my breakfast
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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