do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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