When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
