there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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