You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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