the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he thought i was a dude.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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