we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
