I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
