RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
