im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
