i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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