I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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