genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Randomize
