I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
