College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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