Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You made out with two different species that night
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
