doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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