If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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