so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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