and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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