remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
