I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
