I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
