If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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