I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
