I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
