I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
