What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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