Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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