Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
