Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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