Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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