I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
