i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
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