Umm I'm too high to move.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
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Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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