oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
