I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
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One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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