OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
