Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We're too hungover to prance.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
