are you still at the devil's house?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
