I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
