Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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