Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
