I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
