I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
