happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
