I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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