i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I touched a dick in church today
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
