Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
