and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
