Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
