So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
